Dear Doctor Loveland,
Hi there! I’m a guy in my 20’s living in Colorado and I was wondering if I could get some help on a situation that’s been bugging me for some time. In the past few months there has been this girl that I’ve been spending more time with. At first it was just a nice casual friendship, but as time went on I developed more serious feelings for her. We did a lot of things together and spent a lot more time together. Being around her was very intoxicating and I adored little moments with her and people even said that we were compatible and would’ve made a cute couple. For a few moments I honestly believed that we might have had a chance, but a couple weeks ago she almost completely stopped talking to me. I made efforts to make plans but she seemed very uninterested and the plans always fell through. I know it wasn’t all in my head, we really did have a lot of fun and had a bond that was there. Frankly I feel a little dumb to think that things were going so well. What do you think happened? Should I pursue her and find out what happened or is it as black and white as it seems and she just lost interest?
Thank you,  From a guy in his 20’s

Dear Guy in his 20’s,
First of all, thank you for being my first male person to write in! Bravo! Secondly, thank you for being an emotionally intelligent male! Double Bravo! It sounds like you have a great deal of self-awareness, thoughtfulness, and sensitivity. I know it can be very difficult to be a man who carries those qualities and not lose them over time because the wrong gals are unappreciative. Most women are very grateful for these qualities, BUT some of us just run in fear because we are terrified of getting what we want. It can be very confusing to all of the sudden be matched by a man and treated with the grace we always longed for, especially if we are used to being treated much the opposite. I am not sure if this is what happened with this running woman. What I can say is, in my very strong opinion, heterosexual men and women can almost never, ever be just friends. It rarely stays just as friends. One of you develops feelings, one of you doesn’t and blammmmo it’s over. Lots of people like to have “practice relationships” with their friends. They pretend. They get attention, get their needs met. But they don’t have “that feeling” for the friend so eventually when one or the other does have “that feeling” the friendship ends. It stinks. It hurts. BUT there is a way to appreciate the experience you had if you just shift your perspective to gratitude for what you shared, experienced, and learned instead of being resentful it didn’t lead to more. Friendships can be practice relationships in a way where we can learn a lot about what we want and what we do not want in a future romantic partner. Even in same-sex hetero friendships you can get some of your romantic needs met and learn a lot about what you would like in a partner someday. Life is all about gaining experience and learning about yourself. Therein lies the adventure! With all that being said, I can’t just pretend what you just went through is easy. Personally if I were you, I would need some closure. I would delicately at first try to get an explanation, even though it sounds like you already feel strongly she lost interest or never had it but used you for romantic play. I would want to hear it. Maybe that makes me a masochist. I just appreciate closure because then you can get angry, grieve, what have you and then move on quicker sometimes than a lingering question mark. That’s just me. There is this lovely series called “Sex and the City”. If you can get past all the sex in it, and follow the entire series, I find it to be one of the most educational and truthful bibles about relationships I have ever been exposed to. They pretty much cover everything in there. One day I was blessed to meet the writer and producer and nearly peed myself with excitement. I have met and seen many celebrities in my life, but never would I react so embarrassingly as I did when I met him. Being the relationship nut/writer/therapist I am, I ran up and told him he changed my life forever with his writing and he said, “You’re fabulous!” Aren’t we all? All the singles are FABULOUS! And it is rough out there but if you can tweak your perspective to see these obstacles as gifts not tortures, your life will brilliantly change for the better. I promise. The other thing that is so hard to do is realize, “it is NOT personal!” This concept is hard to swallow, because when you are courting and putting yourself out there it feels pretty damn personal. But the truth is, so much of it is timing, and the other person’s hang-ups, history, etc, oh and TIMING! Did I mention timing? I spent a good 15 years abusing myself in the relationships and probably mistakenly missing out on a lot of wonderful people like yourself until I was finally sick and tired of being sick and tired, and then a blessing hit me. I finally changed my perspective, opened my mind and heart to allow good near me and that changed everything. It was then I attracted grand and great and I was finally ready to receive it. I would ask myself if I were you, “why am I interested in people who don’t reciprocate?” What is my interest in people who have their face halfway turned away from me? It is the calling of a romantic to chase. Just try to be a little more intentional about who you are chasing. Perhaps at this very moment there is someone facing you, longing for you that you haven’t noticed because you are caught up on someone running away from the great and grandness that is you. I know I said men and women can’t usually lastingly be just friends, but when you do find HER she will be the greatest friend you ever had and there lies the irony. My advice: don’t spend one moment second-guessing the wonderfulness that is you! You had it right. You offered her yourself. You shined. She ran. Those are her issues, not yours. Now it is time to open your radar to someone who matches you, who compliments you, and in the meantime that person is you. Be your person. Trust that you have what it takes. This running woman, her fear, does not define the arsenal of what you offer the world and all your future relationships.
With hope for your kind,
Doctor Loveland

P.S.: All the SINGLES OUT THERE, please write in. The chase, the in and out of relationships, the losses and the gains… those are my specialty.