To: Doctor Loveland

I have been single for 16 years while raising my son as a 100% single mom. Recently I realized that he will be leaving the nest soon – my dog is getting old, and my mom who has lived with me for those 16 years as well has terminal cancer. I figure I’ll loose them all at once and want to curl up in a ball and die. Anyway. All this made me think I needed to start investing in my future – does that have a companion? Someone to grow old with – travel with – companionship – sounds really nice. But, over the years I think I’ve become jaded. I see relationships constantly that I thought were happy and healthy crumble and leave people in ruins. Is it worth it? Are there TRULY happy people in relationships out there?!

From: Amy

Dear Amy,
First of all congrats to you on your 16 year marriage to the most important person you will ever love, YOU! Singlehood should be applauded. It is brave and beautiful. I hear no loneliness or desperation in your writing here. I just see strength and openness. No matter how you move forward, keep those skills! I mean what 100% single mom does not completely deserve all our admiration. I would vote for YOU for president! It also sounds like you have a lot of loss coming soon. I would be careful not to get too ahead of yourself with preparing for the losses coming and end up missing the here and now where you still have a loving son in your home, your mother (what a wonderful daughter you are!), and your loyal pup still surrounding you. With that being said, it sounds like it might be time to get yourself a team surrounding you with support and JOY. This team may include a therapist since you mentioned wanting to curl up in a ball and die. Most of us certainly can relate to that feeling. How does one live without the ones we treasure so much? Which is why the timing of you writing to me and preparing for what is to come is perfect. Build your team. This may include a group of friends with similar interest to you whether that be through a school, church, job, class, community center, etc. Use those single mom skills here Amy and go build a team for yourself. Team Amy! You will need them and Lord knows they need you even if they haven’t even met you yet. So that is the part of investing in your future that I recommend first for you. Along with it, I would do some sincere journaling about a partner and what that would look like for you. Lists are powerful. Putting it out there into the universe what you are trying to bring forth to potentially curl up with you in that ball when you get down. People need people. Period. You have been more than generous with yourself raising a son and caring for your mother. I believe someone is out there that wants to give you back all your have given and more. I hear your trepidation about relationships. We have all seen exactly what you have seen with watching relationships crumble even when you would have bet on them succeeding. My answer to this is: good job for jumping in to being open to meeting something with this awareness that relationships sometimes end but they never fail, they always, always, ALWAYS bring something to our lives we did not have before. I would not let this fear or this possibly could be considered “realistic” thinking that relationships can end keep you from being brave. Cause remember Amy, brave is what you do. I have found the best way to meet someone is to do your life, get busy living doing the things you love. Get out there to make friends and get involved in activities that feed your spirit, and then somehow people standing right next to you in said activities end up being like-minded, like-hearted and ready to jump in with you! There are websites such as meetup.com that offer opportunities to meet up in groups of people who have similar interests as you without any dating pressure whatsoever. If you want to actually date and meet people, the trend now is online dating. Depending on your generation this can be super intimidating and feel a little inauthentic. I would ask you to push yourself past judgement and at least do a little online research to see if there is a dating site you may feel comfortable trying. If you have hang ups about being online and start meeting people or going on dates and don’t feel like sharing with others you met online, then say you met through a friend. It is no one’s business how you meet people fabulous enough to match you in a date. So I end with answering your final question. “Are there TRULY happy people in relationship out there?!” My answer is YES! People need people. We have those fearful of being on their own with extreme co-dependence and those fearful of connecting with extreme independence. The goal is balance. Put yourself out there. I am not saying go to a bar and get hit on. Amy, you are far past that. I am saying go live your life with an open heart, getting involved in the activities you are passionate about and see who comes knocking. Get yourself surrounded by some other warriors like yourself, single moms, single dads, heroes. You will start to have some very compelling relationships. Lose the “jaded” label. It doesn’t suit you. Work on it every single day. Say, “I choose to see the light. I choose to have hope. I choose to let people into my heart.” Your life will change. Now go hug your mother. Enjoy your time with her. If she is like most moms, more than anything she wants to see you living your life fully surrounding yourself with people who flourish in your presence and appreciate all that you are. Go make her proud!