Dear Doctor Loveland,

I wanted to get some advice on my relationship with my long term boyfriend. He spends most of his time working, working out, and with his friends. There is little time left for us. Whenever I bring this up to him, he shuts down and makes excuses. I know he has lots of commitments but I don’t feel like our relationship is a priority. How do I address this with him and not have him shut down? How can we compromise so both of us are happy? -Jenny

Dear Jenny of Denver, CO

Thanks for writing in. First I want to say you are WORTH spending time with. Period. In long term relationships we can get into ruts and bad habits. It sounds like Bob (I’ll just call your long-term boyfriend Bob) needs a reality check and a shift in priorities. But let’s start with you. What can you be getting from yourself, for yourself to fill some of the spaces that Bob is leaving? Jam pack your life with the stuff that makes you feel amazing and WORTH spending time with. Sometimes we get so run down from our relationship ruts that we stop being fun to be around because we fall into the nag or the “on repeat” girlfriend we absolutely never intended to be. So check your side of the street, go get yourself a big dose of happy and then address this issue with Bob, and here’s how. I would recommend you do not “trick” him by sidestepping a real conversation about this just in hopes that he won’t shut down. Of course you could keep it light and polite, and start with how you have been cleaning your side of the street to get your needs met and feel happy but then just say, “Bob I miss you. Bob I really want to spend more time with you. Bob I feel kind of lonely and it seems like you don’t really have time for me. Do you want to shift things around in your day and your week and your life to make time for me?” And see what he says. If he’s the type of Bob that needs some time to let this marinate or come up with some creative solutions then don’t take that personally and give him the time he requires. Get yourself real busy living while he is creative problem solving for the betterment of your relationship. Maybe even give him a timeline. “Hey, can we re-chat about this in a couple days when we have come up with some creative solutions?” This is where the pressure is off of you and he needs to go figure some things out. If he doesn’t take you seriously and doesn’t get back to you on this topic, walk. Walk away. I know, it sounds intense but here is the thing. What is the point of being in a relationship with someone if you are not spending time together? Seriously? I get we both have to have out separate lives to fill our heart tanks with hobbies and careers and friends etc but if we are gonna put in the work and commitment to be in a long-term relationship then we better damn well be getting something from it and in my opinion that something should be knowing day and night, “this guy thinks the sun shines out of my butt” (to quote “Juno”)…”I am absolutely his favorite person to spend time with” Even if you only see each other once a week, if you know this person is all about you during that time then he does have his priorities straight. Sometimes relationships are not about compromise, they are about starting to drive a new way home from work every day. We get so caught up in our same routine, that same route we go every day that we start to no longer notice colors and life blooming all around us. Take a new route tomorrow and see how your life starts to change. I wish Bob the best, I pray he re-prioritizes like a man who was just given a second chance at life. Because you Jenny, you are life. You are gonna be just fine because just by writing in you know your worth spending time with… and you are!
Hopeful,
Doctor Loveland