To: Doctor Loveland

Been with my boyfriend for almost 6 years, we have a sone together who is 2. Since day 1 we hit it off, havibg the most amazing time together. We have had many trials and tribulations and have had a pretty rocky relationship but completely love one another. He is very outspoken and at times says things he shouldnt. I also feel he does not take me seriously at times and does not listen to my feelings when expressed. Ive explained this to him on multiple occasions and now have become very quite, not expressing how I feel because instead of listening, he always has something to say and it is never positive or encouraging. I feel me expressing this to him does nothing, as I have many times before. I also feel that he takes my “high energy and need to keep things organized” for granted and he has just allowed himself to become lazy. When I express how tired I am due to me practically doing everything from working full time, spending time with our son, cleaning up everyones mess and working out so I have that 30 min a day to myself, he acts like it is a joke and becomes defensive as if it is not true. Help me

From: Stephanie

Dear Stephanie,
I can certainly see why you feel stuck in regards to tolerating behaviors you are not fond of like him saying things he shouldn’t, laziness, and defensiveness. It sounds like you have had some good years together but have also struggled. I am sure there have been moments where either of you could have walked away. The truth is we never, ever walk away truly in our hearts until we are good and ready and nothing anyone, anywhere can say anything to encourage us further. So based on the fact that this man is the father of your son, you still share some happiness, and you have not left him based on these behaviors, I am going to address this blog with some suggestions for you to try on to see if they may make your situation a little more tolerable. Let me start with this. Never bank on people changing. People in their core are who they are. Sometimes behaviors can change here and there but only if they fit along side their core. So for instance I have been very guilty of being super in love with someone but their behaviors pushed me far enough where I easily could have joined the gals on “Orange is the New Black”. Be honest. Isn’t that what the people we love drive us to sometimes? So instead of riding the merry-go-round of round and round trying to change someone, work on what we do have control over. Ourselves (sometimes :P). What I am basically hearing are two things: your partner does not listen to you and your partner is not showing respect for all you contribute to your little family. You have choices, Stephanie. You could just absolutely and totally accept this man for exactly who he is today, no strings attached to things changing. This would be something I would recommend trying for one whole week. Just try changing your mind, flipping a switch even if you have to fake it til you make it that you absolutely accept and love your partner as he is, flaws and all. See if your week goes smoother. For instance, you can choose to clean up after him or not. Check yourself and see if you are tallying what he does and doesn’t do. I have been guilty of this just so I could come out on top. I mean, we are powerful women. We create and birth miracles so of course we come out on top :P. No seriously, try to notice when you are one-uping him in your mind. “I do this, so why doesn’t he do that?” That usually goes no where. Just do things because you want to or have to and that’s it. And if you don’t want to pick up after him. Don’t. He is a grown man. He can figure it out. But if you like having a clean and functioning home then keep doing what you are doing but without the resentment. Resentment only shortens our lives and robs us of our serenity. The things I am suggesting to try here are advanced, difficult tasks. They all involve coaxing your brain to look at things differently so that you can be more happy and less frustrated. Again, I am not saying you don’t have anything to be frustrated about. But because you have chosen to stay and share your time with this man, then spend the time changing and controlling the only thing you do have power over and that is yourself. Also, get busy living. This is something I will say a lot on this blog. I love that you take those 30 minutes for yourself every day to work out. Go Stephanie! You want someone who will give you the encouragement and positive perspective you are seeking, then go find it in a friend. Notice where you do get it and don’t go seeking it from somewhere you’ll never get it. What is the saying? Don’t go looking for a loaf of bread at the hardware store. Your partner is not going to give this to you. Get it somewhere else. A sister. A co-worker. A new friend. Etc. You have a toddler, Stephanie. You know all about absolutely adoring and loving someone, but them sometimes doing behaviors that drive you a little nutty. People are not their behaviors. BUT there are consequences and rewards to all behaviors. The reward to your boyfriend’s behaviors is he still gets to be with you even when he is a little insensitive. That is some reward! The consequence is you are going to go find some extra happiness in some other ways when he is not in a place to offer it. This is the best choice for you. He may not like it, but I am not in the business of making him comfortable. I am in the business of empowering you. Now go get your self-care on! Cheers to your workouts!

To: Doctor Loveland

I have been single for 16 years while raising my son as a 100% single mom. Recently I realized that he will be leaving the nest soon – my dog is getting old, and my mom who has lived with me for those 16 years as well has terminal cancer. I figure I’ll loose them all at once and want to curl up in a ball and die. Anyway. All this made me think I needed to start investing in my future – does that have a companion? Someone to grow old with – travel with – companionship – sounds really nice. But, over the years I think I’ve become jaded. I see relationships constantly that I thought were happy and healthy crumble and leave people in ruins. Is it worth it? Are there TRULY happy people in relationships out there?!

From: Amy

Dear Amy,
First of all congrats to you on your 16 year marriage to the most important person you will ever love, YOU! Singlehood should be applauded. It is brave and beautiful. I hear no loneliness or desperation in your writing here. I just see strength and openness. No matter how you move forward, keep those skills! I mean what 100% single mom does not completely deserve all our admiration. I would vote for YOU for president! It also sounds like you have a lot of loss coming soon. I would be careful not to get too ahead of yourself with preparing for the losses coming and end up missing the here and now where you still have a loving son in your home, your mother (what a wonderful daughter you are!), and your loyal pup still surrounding you. With that being said, it sounds like it might be time to get yourself a team surrounding you with support and JOY. This team may include a therapist since you mentioned wanting to curl up in a ball and die. Most of us certainly can relate to that feeling. How does one live without the ones we treasure so much? Which is why the timing of you writing to me and preparing for what is to come is perfect. Build your team. This may include a group of friends with similar interest to you whether that be through a school, church, job, class, community center, etc. Use those single mom skills here Amy and go build a team for yourself. Team Amy! You will need them and Lord knows they need you even if they haven’t even met you yet. So that is the part of investing in your future that I recommend first for you. Along with it, I would do some sincere journaling about a partner and what that would look like for you. Lists are powerful. Putting it out there into the universe what you are trying to bring forth to potentially curl up with you in that ball when you get down. People need people. Period. You have been more than generous with yourself raising a son and caring for your mother. I believe someone is out there that wants to give you back all your have given and more. I hear your trepidation about relationships. We have all seen exactly what you have seen with watching relationships crumble even when you would have bet on them succeeding. My answer to this is: good job for jumping in to being open to meeting something with this awareness that relationships sometimes end but they never fail, they always, always, ALWAYS bring something to our lives we did not have before. I would not let this fear or this possibly could be considered “realistic” thinking that relationships can end keep you from being brave. Cause remember Amy, brave is what you do. I have found the best way to meet someone is to do your life, get busy living doing the things you love. Get out there to make friends and get involved in activities that feed your spirit, and then somehow people standing right next to you in said activities end up being like-minded, like-hearted and ready to jump in with you! There are websites such as meetup.com that offer opportunities to meet up in groups of people who have similar interests as you without any dating pressure whatsoever. If you want to actually date and meet people, the trend now is online dating. Depending on your generation this can be super intimidating and feel a little inauthentic. I would ask you to push yourself past judgement and at least do a little online research to see if there is a dating site you may feel comfortable trying. If you have hang ups about being online and start meeting people or going on dates and don’t feel like sharing with others you met online, then say you met through a friend. It is no one’s business how you meet people fabulous enough to match you in a date. So I end with answering your final question. “Are there TRULY happy people in relationship out there?!” My answer is YES! People need people. We have those fearful of being on their own with extreme co-dependence and those fearful of connecting with extreme independence. The goal is balance. Put yourself out there. I am not saying go to a bar and get hit on. Amy, you are far past that. I am saying go live your life with an open heart, getting involved in the activities you are passionate about and see who comes knocking. Get yourself surrounded by some other warriors like yourself, single moms, single dads, heroes. You will start to have some very compelling relationships. Lose the “jaded” label. It doesn’t suit you. Work on it every single day. Say, “I choose to see the light. I choose to have hope. I choose to let people into my heart.” Your life will change. Now go hug your mother. Enjoy your time with her. If she is like most moms, more than anything she wants to see you living your life fully surrounding yourself with people who flourish in your presence and appreciate all that you are. Go make her proud!

Dear Dr. Loveland,

First time writing in, and I hope you can help. I’ve been married 11 years to a good man and we have 2 young children. My husband works a full time day job Monday through Friday and I work evenings and some weekends. When we are at home together, there is always something to cook, clean, or do. It feels impossible to connect with each other emotionally and physically. We are exhausted at night and often times one of our kids ends up sleeping in bed with us, which means the time we have alone together is limited. Any advice on how to bring a spark back to our tired marriage? I just want to feel more of a connection with him.

Thanks,
Exhausted Wife

Dear Exhausted Wife,
Bless you and your hardworking family. Balancing everything you are listing is a tall, tall order so first I just want to commend you for writing in at all. Doing so means you think your marriage is important enough to write in about. So often moms get so entrenched in motherhood that wifehood takes an extreme backseat. I think it is beautiful that you care enough to want a connection with your husband. As you know moms can get tapped out, touched out, and have little left for their poor, lonely husbands. Often fathers don’t get those same needs met that women do with all the feels and loves we get from our babes so they still very much long for connection from their wives. The first thing that comes to mind when I read your situation is, we ALWAYS make time for what is most important to us. If we HAVE to have a cheeseburger today, bygone we are going to get ourself to a drive thru and get ourselves a cheeseburger! It sounds like perhaps your young children are getting a tad less younger and it might be time to adjust the priorities a bit on how you spend your time. For instance, maybe there are certain hours of the night where there are no children in your bed. Schedule time to be together then. As lovely as it is that you both get to parent your children with different work schedules accommodating the children, that work schedule does not accommodate your marriage so perhaps the money you are saving on sitting from him covering the kids some evenings and weekends, and you covering them during the day should be spent on some scheduled on-going dates and time together. If there are local sitters or family that you trust to leave the kids there, then go spend time in your home together alone. Make your time together sacred. As sacred as work time. As sacred as kid time. We walk a dangerous line in our marriages if we don’t make our marriage a priority. And personally I happen to believe that one of the best gifts you can give your children is to be in a very happy marriage. Let them see you kiss. Let them see you love one another. It will only do good things for them in molding their values towards relationships as they grow up. Another way to look at it is, small children have a lot of needs but they don’t stay that way. This is just a season of your life where it takes a little extra creative planning to get time together to connect but it won’t always be this way. So in order to keep that marriage going so that it will still be there strong and connected after the young-child years or after the kids move out someday then we MUST make the marriage a high priority. Just like we need to make time for ourselves a priority to refuel and jump back in (Mom: Me time. Huh, what’s that?! :P). Sounds like you are both very capable of balancing a lot, so sit down together and get real creative with coming up with a plan for time together. Not necessarily fancy dates or vacations. Just time to be together and be friends and be connected and have sex. Yes, schedule sex. There is nothing at all wrong with this. You don’t skip breakfast for the kids because you are too busy or tired or something came up, so don’t skip sex either. No matter how tired you are, you will feel better afterwards knowing you made the effort to connect. So I am finishing where I started. You are making your marriage a priority just by writing in, so that means you are one step closer to getting that spark back. It will be a new spark. A now-mother and father spark, a little bit older-now spark, a let’s “schedule” time to snuggle and watch Netflix spark, but it will be a spark if you both can meet each other in the middle of all the madness and say together, “we matter, our marriage matters.” Now go get yourself a cheeseburger, stat!

Dear Doctor Loveland,

I wanted to get some advice on my relationship with my long term boyfriend. He spends most of his time working, working out, and with his friends. There is little time left for us. Whenever I bring this up to him, he shuts down and makes excuses. I know he has lots of commitments but I don’t feel like our relationship is a priority. How do I address this with him and not have him shut down? How can we compromise so both of us are happy? -Jenny

Dear Jenny of Denver, CO

Thanks for writing in. First I want to say you are WORTH spending time with. Period. In long term relationships we can get into ruts and bad habits. It sounds like Bob (I’ll just call your long-term boyfriend Bob) needs a reality check and a shift in priorities. But let’s start with you. What can you be getting from yourself, for yourself to fill some of the spaces that Bob is leaving? Jam pack your life with the stuff that makes you feel amazing and WORTH spending time with. Sometimes we get so run down from our relationship ruts that we stop being fun to be around because we fall into the nag or the “on repeat” girlfriend we absolutely never intended to be. So check your side of the street, go get yourself a big dose of happy and then address this issue with Bob, and here’s how. I would recommend you do not “trick” him by sidestepping a real conversation about this just in hopes that he won’t shut down. Of course you could keep it light and polite, and start with how you have been cleaning your side of the street to get your needs met and feel happy but then just say, “Bob I miss you. Bob I really want to spend more time with you. Bob I feel kind of lonely and it seems like you don’t really have time for me. Do you want to shift things around in your day and your week and your life to make time for me?” And see what he says. If he’s the type of Bob that needs some time to let this marinate or come up with some creative solutions then don’t take that personally and give him the time he requires. Get yourself real busy living while he is creative problem solving for the betterment of your relationship. Maybe even give him a timeline. “Hey, can we re-chat about this in a couple days when we have come up with some creative solutions?” This is where the pressure is off of you and he needs to go figure some things out. If he doesn’t take you seriously and doesn’t get back to you on this topic, walk. Walk away. I know, it sounds intense but here is the thing. What is the point of being in a relationship with someone if you are not spending time together? Seriously? I get we both have to have out separate lives to fill our heart tanks with hobbies and careers and friends etc but if we are gonna put in the work and commitment to be in a long-term relationship then we better damn well be getting something from it and in my opinion that something should be knowing day and night, “this guy thinks the sun shines out of my butt” (to quote “Juno”)…”I am absolutely his favorite person to spend time with” Even if you only see each other once a week, if you know this person is all about you during that time then he does have his priorities straight. Sometimes relationships are not about compromise, they are about starting to drive a new way home from work every day. We get so caught up in our same routine, that same route we go every day that we start to no longer notice colors and life blooming all around us. Take a new route tomorrow and see how your life starts to change. I wish Bob the best, I pray he re-prioritizes like a man who was just given a second chance at life. Because you Jenny, you are life. You are gonna be just fine because just by writing in you know your worth spending time with… and you are!
Hopeful,
Doctor Loveland